TIRED OF BOGUS RETIREMENTS

Jay-Z isn't the first entertainer to pull a fast one on the public and come out of "retirement."

He just so happens to be the latest.

Roughly three years ago, the man also known as Shawn Carter ducked out of the rap game following 2003's The Black Album. On Nov. 21, he's scheduled to release an all-new CD titled Kingdom Come.

Between those discs, Jay-Z has served as the president and CEO of Def Jam, rapped on songs by girlfriend Beyonce and others, become a part owner of the New Jersey Nets basketball team and appeared in commercials for Hewlett-Packard and Budweiser. He also has participated in a campaign to raise awareness of the world's water crisis (it's being documented by MTV and will air next month).

Given that workload, it's unlikely that he had time to join fellow retirees for shuffleboard games, and his income from the aforementioned ventures probably meant he wasn't clipping coupons or racing for early bird dinners, either.

According to Webster's New World College Dictionary, "retirement" is a "withdrawal from work, business, etc., because of age." It also means "a place of privacy or seclusion."

Since 2003, Carter -- who will be 36 or 37 in December, depending on the source -- has done everything but withdraw from work or stay in seclusion. It can be argued that he has been in the news and in the public eye more during the last three years than ever before.

But just like anyone else, Jay-Z has the right to change his mind and rap again.

Just like Michael Jordan had the right to unretire from basketball -- twice.

The public also has the option to ignore Jay-Z, although that doesn't seem likely.

That said, perhaps he'll get it right with his next retirement. And maybe he can persuade the equally ubiquitous Diddy to join him.

PAIRING CARS WITH GUITARS

Volkswagen has a special deal going on that comes with strings attached.

Through Dec. 31, those who lease or purchase one of several 2007 Volkswagen models will receive a customized GarageMaster electric guitar from Boston-based First Act.

Each instrument will have the accompanying vehicle's identification number, and features will include custom-colored pick guards complementing the car's exterior.

Volkswagen takes this car-guitar relationship one step further. As shown in a snazzy TV campaign featuring the likes of John Mayer and Slash, these First Act guitars can be played through the cars' existing sound systems.

It all seems pretty cool, but does this match make sense? According to Kerri Martin, Volkswagen's director of brand innovation, the answer is yes. In a company press release, Martin said that Volkswagen's partnership with First Act "is the next iteration of Volkswagen's longstanding history of music."

Sure, that so-called history includes hippies in Volkswagen vans following the Grateful Dead around the country, but that history is not exactly filled with Volkswagen references in songs.

Now that's the real way to determine whether an automaker has any music history. Through the years, cars made by Ford and General Motors -- even Honda and Subaru -- have been mentioned in songs recorded by Chuck Berry, Don McLean, Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen, Prince and KISS, among others.

As for Volkswagen, the company is mentioned in the song "Beta Carotene" by the band Modest Mouse, but it's not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Maybe the folks at Volkswagen are aware of this, hence its partnership with First Act: With every car/guitar lease or sale, the odds increase that someone will use a GarageMaster to write and record a catchy, positive Volkswagen number.

Finding a rhyme for Volkswagen won't be easy.

SAY NO TO NEW MENUDO

There's a classic episode of The Brady Bunch in which oldest brother Greg is selected by some shady music executives to be the new Johnny Bravo.

Greg later learns that he was picked not for his singing ability or guitar skills but because he was the right size to fit into an existing (and quite ugly) suit to be worn by whomever was to be Bravo.

Epic Records and MTV soon will be doing business with five teenage Johnny Bravos. Billboard.com recently reported that next year, Epic will release a new Menudo album and MTV will air a 10-episode reality series about the group.

All that exists right now is a familiar group name -- essentially, a brand. In classic prefab fashion, tryouts will be held in various U.S. cities in the coming months to determine who will be in the new version of Menudo.

Back in the day, the ever-changing Menudo was a Latin pop phenomenon, at one time counting Ricky Martin among its members. But despite what's been said about the group's worldwide success, Menudo never really resonated with mainstream U.S.A.

According to the Recording Industry Association of America, Menudo has zero gold and platinum albums to its credit. As for Top 40 Billboard pop hits -- zilch. It's best -- and only -- entry on the Billboard Hot 100 chart was "Hold Me," which peaked at No. 62 in 1985.

Despite those facts, the new Menudo likely will follow much of the old Menudo playbook -- otherwise, the name would be different. The new Menudo will have five members, just like the other versions of the group, so it's obvious that the powers to be are mindful of staying "true" to the original and, ultimately, making sure the new guys fit the proverbial Johnny Bravo suits.

Sounds like the New Monkees scenario all over again, 20 years later.

And chances are the new Menudo will become a funny pop-culture footnote, too.

SO LONG, CBGB

Even if you've never been there, you've probably been touched by CBGB.

Even if, for whatever inexcusable reason, you don't own any albums by Television, Talking Heads, Patti Smith, The Ramones or Blondie, chances are you own music by artists who have been influenced by those acts, all of which honed their chops at CBGB and helped establish the Manhattan club in the mid 1970s.

All great things must come to an end, and after nearly 33 years and countless shows, CBGB is scheduled to close its doors for good this coming weekend following a lengthy landlord-tenant battle.

CBGB will go out swingin', though, with several blasts from its glorious punk past set to rock the Noo Yawk club this week. Tonight through Wednesday, it's the Bad Brains. Then on Friday and Saturday, it's the Dictators, with Blondie's Debbie Harry and Chris Stein also on the bill for the latter show. And the aforementioned Smith is among the familiar names scheduled for the grand finale on Sunday.

Tickets for these shows surely will be hard to come by, but that shouldn't stop anyone from going to 315 Bowery and soaking up the atmosphere outside. It will be the next best thing to being inside.

Hilly Kristal plans to open a new CBGB in Las Vegas, but it almost goes without saying that nothing will ever top the original, as grimy and claustrophobic as it was.

Visit the official CBGB site for more about the club and its final shows.